David and Winston are in a bar at the airport. David leans over, and with a smile on his face, says, “I must say, it’s most unusual, but the media are really tearing you apart for that scandal.”
Winston: “You mean when I claimed the world-famous Huka Lodge near Taupo has been sold to
Chinese buyers and suggested John Key had a hand in smoothing the process.?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when I said capitalism is dead?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when I said it was “demonstrably false” that I repaid $18,000 and that it was
“way less” than that. I actually repaid $17,936.43 which is 99.6% of $18,000?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when I said my super over-payments likely started in 2013/14, when they
started in 2010?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when I said in 2017 I had asked to speak to the original staffer but she no
longer worked there, when in fact she worked in the same office in the same role.?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when I claimed I had paid interest on my under-payments, when I hadn’t. ?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when I claimed my payment was abated and I hadn’t received my full super,
when In fact I was paid the full rate. ?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when I claimed MSD could not resolve how the “mistake” happened, when in
fact MSD said it was because I had declared I was single. ?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when I claimed my form was incomplete as I had not ticked a box on my
current relationship but in fact I had declared I was separated ?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when I claimed the form had been altered, when it had not. ?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when I claimed the staffer I had dealt with in 2020 was “very senior”., when
she wasn’t. She was a standard case manager.” ?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when I filed a false return to Parliament, by failing to declare a $100,000
donation from billionaire Owen Glenn. ?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when I said we would cap migrants at 10,000 a year down from 65,000 in
2017, when it has not been below 50,000 since I have been Deputy Prime Minister.?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when I said before the last election that I want laws that only allow New
Zealand citizens and permanent residents to buy residential freehold properties.?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when I announced a policy that “only permits farm sales to those privileged to
be, or to become, New Zealanders”. ?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when I said a safe manned re-entry of the access tunnel at Pike River is a nonnegotiable policy.?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when I said I would be one of the first to re-enter the Pike River mine ?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when I said I want all Government banking to be moved to KiwiBank.?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when I said I want to boost the number of sworn police officers by around
1800 NEW recruits ?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when I promised to hold a binding referendum in the middle of the first
Government term on whether the Māori electoral seats should stay, and whether the number of seats
in Parliament should be reduced to 100?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when I promised to make all major sporting events available to watch on freeto-air television channels?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when I said I want to buy back the privatised 49 percent of the power
companies National sold off. So they are 100 percent state-owned?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when I said we are opposed to 1080 and says if we are part of the next
government we want to stop it being used.?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when I said I wouldn’t use “silly phrases” like “bottom lines” but I made it
clear the referendum on Maori seats in parliament wasn’t negotiable.?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when I said In July 2017 ‘The first thing we’re gonna do in government is
make sure cigarettes are not massively overtaxed like that and bring them back to reasonable
value.’?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean despite my promise above, Kiwis will have faced three 10 percent tax
increases under a government propped up by NZ First.?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when I had to slap down Kym Koloni, who was our candidate for the
Northcote seat, for saying it was party policy to get rid of the Waitangi Tribunal and any references
to the Treaty of Waitangi in legislation.?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when I finally admitted using helicopters during election campaigns – but said
it was for “travel” not for “campaigning” after I had had previously flatly denied using the
helicopter to campaign, calling the suggestion “stupid”..?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when I called the Newshub reporter a “psycho” after she asked questions
about a New Zealand First-linked company that applied for government funding?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when New Zealand First tried to hide donations from the New Zealand First
Foundation, and I described it as “filthy allegations without any proof?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “You mean when I celebrated the news TV Three was for sale, while at the New Zealand
First Convention in Christchurch.?”
David: “No, the other one.”
Winston: “I give up! … Oh wait, I think I’ve got it!“ You mean when I lied ??”
David: “THAT’S IT! I almost forgot about that one”
